Earth's Mightiest Slackers
by Mr. BramStoker
Summary: When not saving the world from evildoers or protecting the innocents from all known elements of disaster, the Avengers do what they usually do on a long, quiet weekend: Be lazy. And they're proud of it, too. Just ask Spider-Man


**Earth's Mightiest Slackers**

_I do not own Avengers or Marvel Cinematic Universe._

"Oh what a day, what a day." Loki drummed, bored as he, Maria, Sif, Jane, Steve, Pepper, Thor and Natasha sat in the lounge area of the Helicarrier

"We could eat lunch." Pepper piped up. "Too early" Natasha yawned sleepily, rubbing her eyes. "We could have eggs and bacon," Jane offered. "Too late" Loki droned

"Y'know, if we don't figure out what we're gonna do, I think my legs are gonna turn into mush jelly." Steve commented lazily, as he simply watched the fishing hook dangle from the roof. "Man, I love that hook. It's just… It's so beautiful." Steve added, a weird look in his eye

"Have you been drinking from Bucky's beer, Steve?" Sharon asked, seeing if her husband was still sane and sober. All Steve responded with was a snore, meaning… "Yup, he's out like a light." Fury deadpanned.

"Way to lower the standards, Fury." Maria yawned, fluffing up her pillow. "Shouldn't you bums be out doing missions?" Fury wondered, appalled by how incompetent and lazy his crewmates have become.

"C'mon Fury, we were out in Times Square this morning. Did you not even **notice** how much trouble we had to go through to contain Rhino? That guy is more unstable than that nutcase Carnage!" Natasha griped

"Ok, **don't** get me started on him. That sniveling, slobbering bastard had killed nearly **seventy** innocents, destroyed **eleven** vehicles and gasoline tanks, burned **fourteen** buildings to the ground, and scared the living shit outta **ninety-eight percent** of the New York population. Everybody doesn't want to have **ANYTHING** to do with the bloody freak! They should simply drag the bugger onto the streets and shoot his bleeding head off! That would teach him, that murdering, raving, homicidal ax-wielding git!" Sharon ranted, everyone bewildered.

"Ok… now I know why I shouldn't piss you off. **Especially** when you sent Kraven to the hospital by shoving that rifle up his ass!" Hawkeye commented

"He had it coming." Maria mumbled, about to nod off. "Um, Hill? Before you go all Sleeping Beauty here, just please don't slobber. You drooled on my good Gucci pants last week." Pietro replied. But Maria was sound asleep, snoring softly.

"Anyway; Jen and Tony should be back. They just texted me saying they placed Venom into Arkham." Jane piped up, Fury spitting his coffee out. "They **what?**" Fury's outburst drew the attention of a few curious agents

"What's the problem? Arkham Asylum is the **best** mental institution for the criminally insane. It's practically inescapable!" Jane added naively. Fury rolled his eyes allowing Elektra to explain. "Jane, Arkham is definitely **NOT** your typical prison, oh no. It is a living HELL on earth. The prisoners always, ALWAYS escape, the security is crappy, the doctors are either crazy, not entirely cut out for the thing, or just plain rotten; the wardens are always getting bought into the wrong pockets and let's not forget the large amount of weirdoes it houses." Elektra commented

"… And your point is?" Jane commented weirdly, Fury groaning. "Never mind, sheesh." Elektra huffed, waving her hands in the air. "I see why she wouldn't handle being in a law firm." Thor noted to Wanda. "Why would that be?" Wanda asked. "Five minutes and next thing you'd know, she'd be working at a diner." Clint quipped, which earned him a slap on the head from Natasha.

"*I* worked at a diner, dummy! God, you're such a moron!" Natasha moaned, before raising her eyebrows as a horrified look ran across Clint's face. "Oh no…" Clint whimpered as Natasha grinned sinisterly as she grasped Clint's shirt collar. "Let's see how much of a man you **really** are… if you get my meaning." Natasha purred, dragging Clint into their bedroom. "Help me" was all Clint could squeak before the door was sealed followed by maniacal laughter, which naturally came from Natasha.

"… She scares the crap out of me." Pietro finally spoke after the awkward silence. "You and me both brother. She proved to be a man-eater when she ran my company." Tony deadpanned, as he and She-Hulk entered

"Finally! Where the heck have you two been? I was about to send Rumlow to come look for you!" Steve commented

"Long story Cap. We had to turn Venom over to some grouch dressed in black with pointy ears." Jen replied. "That would be Batman. And please tell me you didn't try to get under his skin. He has a reputation for being a bit gruff." Wanda remarked

"Yeah, which reminds me. Where's Ghost Rider?" Jen asked, concerned of the whereabouts of her flame-broiled skeleton fiancé. "Oh he's using the firing range." Maria replied, yawning.  
"On Bucky again?" Steve commented. "Bingo." Tony replied. "Lemme guess. He spray-painted on his motorcycle." Sharon deadpanned

"Mm-hmm. That little weasel had better not come near my Hellcycle again, unless he'd like to get a one way ticket to the nearest hospital!" Ghost Rider snarled, the gruff brimstone biker sitting on the velvet couch.

"How'd it go with Magneto?" Cyclops asked, curious. "Let's just say he wont be bothering you guys for a **long** time." Ghost Rider replied, opening a can of Coors beer. "You used the Penance Stare on him again, didn't you?" Jean Grey deadpanned. "Hey cmon. The old geezer was asking for it. At least that tin-canned moron Juggernaut didn't get in the way. Which explains how I was able to drop a large piano on his head." Ghost Rider added

"Oh boy. You know, if the Brotherhood finds out about this…" Logan warned, Ghost Rider snorting. "Bah! Screw those assholes! I've wired tons of C4 bombs to their uniforms. They try and make a step towards here… Boom!" Ghost Rider exclaimed, imitating an explosion with his hands.

"Um, speaking of making a step…" Jane gulped fearfully as the heroes glanced out the window to see an angry roster of Brotherhood members marching toward the Helicarrier. Snapping his fingers, Jen handed Ghost Rider the C4 detonator.

"I'd cover my ears if I were you, this could get pretty messy." Ghost Rider warned, as everyone took cover. "And what if it isn't?" Steve asked. "Then at least hope you can hold your breath far up in the skies." Ghost Rider scoffed, pressing the trigger.

One particular Brotherhood member named Toad noticed a strange beeping noise ringing through his chest. He searched through it before his eyes widened in fear where it was located. Three seconds later, a mountainous explosion occurred.

"Hahahahahahahaha! Now **that's** how you make a bonfire!" Ghost Rider cackled, lighting a cigar. "I got to say, that was one damn fine explosion" Tony commented, impressed.

Just then the communicator buzzed. "Alert! The Mayor has been taken hostage, all units move to the nearest…" Ghost Rider rolled his eyes and shut it off. "Blah blah blah, like I heard that load of crap before" Hawkeye droned

"C'mon guys, let's go to the nudie bar!" Logan bellowed, everyone whooping wildly as they trampled over a dazed and confused Fury as they headed for the jet. "I need to place a speed limit on this ship." Fury mumbled before passing out.

Later that night…

"ooh boy, hee hee, that was a swell night tonight… heh heh…" Jean slurred drunkenly, as Cyclops carried a snoozing She-Hulk in his arms. "Yeah yeah, and-and rememmer, 'member when Ghost Rider, he-he shnockered a girl in the big… what-its-called… bums?" Hawkeye blubbered

"heh… I can still take anutha drink bub… gulp, heh… I's sober fatso…" Tony blubbed, collapsing on top of a SHIELD agent. "hey Cap, I got an idea that'll be sooo fucking funny." Natasha blurbed, cackling as she kneed Bucky in the groin.

"MOTHERFU…." Bucky started before She-Hulk taped duct tape on his mouth. "Hah! See, he cant say nuthin, cause, cause he has tape… stuff on 'im." Clint giggled before passing out, snoring like a sailor. A wide eyed Maria tried to stand up but burst out laughing and fell on top of Mockingbird.

"Maria! What is with… are you drunk?" Barbara asked nervously, only to get Maria snoring as a reply. "does that answer your question, toots?" Ghost Rider deadpanned, shoving Hawkeye off the table.

"Ghost Rider, how can **you** of all people still maintain your senses after all that booze?" Jean wondered, the brimstone biker tapping toward his head. "Oh I see, you rely on street smarts." Mockingbird commented

"Yep. Like Cap, I cant get drunk. But when I get Red Bull, oh then you'd better run, better take cover." Ghost Rider added

"Hey I love that song…" Natasha woozily muttered, her left eye fluttering. "Ok you know something Natasha? You need some sleep." Jean replied, grunting as she tried to drag Natasha into her cabin. "Put me down you crazy…" Natasha mumbled before her eyes closed and she began to snore. Jean exhaled in relief as she placed Natasha onto her bed. "nighty night Black Widow, see you in the morning." Jean replied sweetly, planting a kiss on her cheek as she tiptoed out before smiling as the intoxicated Avengers were now sleeping safe and sound.

"aww, now isn't that adorable?" She-Hulk whispered. "Yep. Look at them so cute. Makes me want to cuddle." Mockingbird added, wiping a joyful tear from her eye. "well come on ladies, let's get some shut-eye." Jean ordered, yawning tiredly as she climbed into her top bunk as She-Hulk slowly got into the bottom bunk.

"Jean?" Ms. Marvel asked sleepily. "what, Carol?" Jean asked, yawning as she got under the covers. "which one is Deep Impact and which one is Armageddon?" Ms. Marvel yawned trying to stay awake. "deep impact is with the meteors and Armageddon is what will happen if you don't go to sleep in five seconds. now go to bed." Jean commented, Ms. Marvel smiled girlishly before rolling over, snoring.

"and it starts…" Jean sighed, relaxing as she laid there with her hair resting comfortably on the pillow. Jean couldn't help but smile as She-Hulk was asleep below the top bunk, sucking her thumb in her sleep. Just when Jean was finally about to nod off, Mockingbird rushed in and grabbed her.

"what the? Barbara, what are you doing?" Jean hissed, not wanting Mockingbird to wake up the others. "I had a bad dream." Mockingbird feebly answered, Jean sighing before ruffling her blonde hair. "ok kiddo, you can sleep with me. But no grinding." Jean reminded, as Mockingbird settled down.

"I think we're going to need a bigger bunk." Mockingbird uttered as Jean drifted off to sleep.

The next morning…

"Morning sunshine." Jean chimed, planting a kiss on Spider-Man's forehead. "er, Jean, have you been using Mary Jane's perfume again?" the web-slinger asked. "No silly. I just feel happy this morning. I just love this time of year; birds chirping, sun shining, animals running free… ooh, it feels great!" Jean exclaimed. "well if that's good for you, I'd say it works for me." Daredevil commented, chewing on a cinnamon toast stick.

"yo, anyone seen Fury?" Falcon piped up, poking his head through the kitchen door. "oh he's not feeling well. He's a bit hungover from last night." Jean reminded, Falcon nodding in understanding. "I think after last night, I think we should lay off the booze and all." Cyclops commented, everyone agreeing.

"You and me both brother." Ghost Rider replied, patting Scott on the shoulder before Hawaiian music started playing. "what the heck?" Loki wondered, looking around in astonishment before Pepper burst out laughing at the sight she saw: Captain America wearing an oversized Hawaiian shirt playing on a ukulele doing a Muzak version of Jailhouse Rock. "well there's something you don't see every day." Black Widow joked, everyone cracking up. 


End file.
